Who knows?

No one really notices what’s going on in your head unless you open up to someone or make them realize that something is wrong wanting them to start a conversation. You don’t want to harass people with your problems without the question- What’s wrong?  Looking back on my life untill now, I remember how my walk would look like and what has been going around in my head the whole time. It’s possible to walk the walk without anyone noticing that you are breaking down inside.  I feel like my brain has around billion little parts that still didn’t find a place to sit and stay. They are just wandering back and forth trying out different shapes so they can fit in a puzzle.  With that said, as a child you start questioning yourself what would it be like to read minds.  The mind of a child visualizes reading minds as a fun thing that could ease your life and save you the problems. How cool would it be if you could know every brilliant idea someone thinks of?...

There is 7 billion of us. Small little creatures looking up at the same sky and trying to catch the same star. Even as a pilot or a passenger on a plane, you can’t touch the clouds. There is a thin piece of glass separating you from something you are trying to reach your whole life. Every cloud is an unreachable dream of yours. So when I, as a child from a small country, get the opportunity to fly through the clouds on my way to New York fucking city I expect from myself a little more grateful and happier reaction since it’s a dream come true.  Why now? After all times a wished for a once in a lifetime chance to go there. You know before, I would die for a walk through the places that are in so many movies or a cigarette lit on the stairs of Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment on 64 Perry Street.  New York.       Manhattan.  Sex.  and the City.  Did you know that a cigarette lit after sex makes ten times more damage to your body t...

I’ve been reading a book for a while now. Unfortunately this one doesn’t have a summary on the back cover. I don’t want it anyways and I don’t know why I wrote the ‘unfortunately’ part. I have to tell you it has been one hell of a storyline so far and I haven’t even read the highlight of the book. The ‘not knowing’ has been eating me alive for the last few chapters and the plot is moving very slow. I feel like the author of the book and myself seem to have two different point of views. The only thing I want to avoid is getting disappointed while reading the end. I have expectations. Don’t think that I want to find out how the story ends but the process towards the ending is occupying my mind with quite a long list of questions. I know I’ll eventually hear the answers but I’m worrying about how amazing the bare beginning was. What if the highlight of the book was the beginning? And now every next chapter I read will disappoint me more and more, the book will be considered boring and p...

My mum hates it, she thinks that it’s the reason why I don’t spend a lot of time at home, or that it’s the reason why I have bad marks. She knows I’m guilty but that is where I choose to spend most of my free time so she likes to blame the darts for not studying.  I like it. It’s a game in which you don’t have to think through your next move. You throw the darts and it feels like you paid to be in a room where you can smash plates on the walls to get rid of stress.  Even though it’s my favourite game, I will never understand it. What affects the dart to fly directly to 1 if I aimed for a triple 20? You have your goal but sometimes you don’t have things under control. Once you throw the dart you can’t change its route. You just see what number did it hit.  You learn for an exam, you aim for a good mark. You hand over the exam and you remember that you wrote a wrong answer two days too late. You can’t change it, you just have to wait for the results and see if it has ...

Why is honesty the best policy? I’m not like everybody else. I’m a lot more tolerant than others and a very open-minded person. Here’s a quote that I can relate to… I hate small talk. I wanna talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, the lies you’ve told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurities and fears. I like people with depth, who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don’t want to know “what’s up”. See, this is what I’m talking about. I really don’t want to know what the weather is like or are there any fish in the sea… I want to talk about things people usually don’t want to talk about. Now that you know what kind of person I am-I can tell you that I can put up with a lot of shit that goes on around me. If it’s about something more serious…What I want from people is to say Look, I have to tell you something, I did this and that, I know I was wrong to do that...

I have this magical power to know how I feel about a person as soon as we shake hands. We met, this summer. The greatest summer of my life. Yes, you’ve heard me. It’s not summer 2013 I’m talking about, I’m talking about the famous summer of 2016. So we met. I knew, the second I’ve looked you in the eyes… Either I love you or I will love you. As a friend, crush or a boyfriend. I knew. It took me a second to figure that out. As I was getting to know you, I realized You’re not that kind of a person. You don’t need a second, You need a day, a month, maybe even a year… And I respected that. “Listen, I’m going to whisper something in your ear right now… I have this beautiful power to meet a person, for example YOU, and while You’re counting 1-2-3-4 days, I’ll close my eyes and with this power I can feel the sparkle in my heart. I can feel that I love you. And I don’t mind telling that out loud. I’m going to say it now… And I want you to know that you don’t have to say anything, I just want ...

The first year is the hardest one to go through. Everything You see, hear, touch, smell or taste reminds You of someone related to the situation that happened. You are limited. You don’t  want anyone to know what happened. So You sit quietly… No one really notices that You’re not talking about a certain person. So You go through a roller coaster of emotions all by yourself. The second year is somewhere in the middle of nowhere. You still don’t talk about it, but people start asking questions. They start remembering how long has it been since You’ve said that name out loud. Is everything okay between you two? Did something happen? -they ask. So You don’t know if You should tell them the truth or lie to them. You decide to lie. You decide to let people think that You’re living the happiest life for the past year and a half, and that that person is still in your life even though it’s gone forever. You struggle with answers. People ask You what’s new in that person’s life, and ...